Dear Grandma Cutie,

I've been living with my roommate for over three months. I moved in with her because it was too costly for me to live on my own. However, she's highly disorganized, doesn't follow through on her promises, doesn't really take good care of herself, and recently, revealed to me that she's considering filing for bankruptcy just so she can go back to school to get her masters (she's in her early 40s, by the way).

I chip in with paying her $300 in rent, buying food, taking care of her cats, and cleaning her cluttered apartment as best as I can.

I am someone who has a clear vision for my future. I am eager to study web design so I can move full steam ahead to be a talent manager. Yet, my roommate pesters me to consider doing jobs that have nothing to do with my pursuits and I feel like I am just there to pick up her financial slack.

How can I tell her I need to move on and find another roommate?

Signed,
Reluctant Roommate

Dear Reluctant Roommate, 

It sounds like you have already decided that you need to move on.

The best way to handle these situations is to be clear and direct with the other person. Start packing! First make your arrangements so that you know you have a better place to live. When you are ready, treat the situation like you are pulling off a bandaid. Let her know that you have decided to explore other living options. You do not have to get into details about why you are leaving. That is none of her businesses. Be firm, otherwise she may think that she can talk you out of it. 

It is a shame that this situation did not work out, but on the bright side you have learned about what you need to be happy in your living situation. And if you are lucky, you can learn from her behavior so that you don't have to treat others this way.

Good luck to you. I have a feeling you will end up in a happy home soon enough. 

Love,
Cutie

Hello Cutie,

I just wanted to ask you what you think I should do. I am 14 and have already been through so much, like my parents divorcing and fighting constantly, my dad hating me because of my step mom, who he chose over me, the stress of being in my first year of high school and two advanced classes, and my boyfriend, who is currently struggling with schizophrenia. It is so bad he almost broke up with me to protect me, because he thinks he will hurt me.

I am actually cutting myself, even though I know it is not right. I just don't have any other way to relieve all my stress. I have more than once considered suicide, but I don't have the guts to do that. What should I do?

Signed
Lonely And Scared

Dear Lonely and Scared,

Good for you for reaching out. That is one of the most important things you can do to help yourself. It sounds like you are a smart girl who cares a great deal about the people in your life. And because these people are not feeling good about themselves, you are suffering. You cannot carry the weight of every other person's problems.

Now it is time for you to put yourself first. Go to the bathroom and wash your face. Look in a mirror and see what a pretty girl is left there. Next, I want you to see if there is anyone you can talk to. Friends are good, but a counselor or a therapist is even better. Your goal is to find a healthy way to deal with your stress, and to lessen the stress you are feeling. And this is nothing to be embarrassed about. We all could use a little extra help from time to time.

Also, it sounds like you really care about your boyfriend, but you have to remember that you come first. You cannot really be there for others until you are there for yourself.

Good luck to you.

Love,
Cutie

Dear Cutie,

I have been seeing a married man for two years now. He says he is getting a divorce. He had no steady job until almost a year ago, and is trying to refinance his house and get the divorce final before we make any plans. His wife is still living with him, but goes away on trips frequently. He still cares about her a lot, I can tell, but he says he loves me and wants a life with me. I feel stupid waiting for him, but he treats me really well. He has a green card (not a US citizen) and says he feels obligated because his wife supported him until he could get a job.

I really love him, but feel short changed waiting for him. What do you think, Cutie?

signed,
Patience

Dear Patience,

Oh dear, get rid of him. He is bad news.

I'm confused by your statement that he treats you very well. In my opinion, he is asking you to be too patient and too understanding. These qualities are important and crucial to a good relationship, but in moderation. You have done well by trying to accept his situation, but I think your instincts are right about feeling short changed.

It sounds like he does care for you, but he cares for his wife and for his easy life, too. He says the right things and tugs on your heartstrings, but his actions show that he is unwilling to meet you halfway.

A good partner is someone who can stand on his own two feet. And a dependable, steady partner is what you deserve. Follow your instincts and stop waiting for him.

Start asking yourself the hard questions like: why are you putting up with this? And what are you going to do to make sure that your next partner doesn't treat you this way? Spend time with your girlfriends, be strong and good luck to you. I see good things in your future.

Love,
Cutie

Dear Friends,

We are happy to accept the new year and I want everybody to enjoy what the future has in store for us.

I see nothing but good news, health, happiness, and prosperity. Take care of your families and enjoy what life has given you. Look around: you are very, very lucky. The new year is a good time for reflection and for looking forward.

I'm one of those people who likes to make new year's resolutions. And over the years I have learned that the best way to succeed in changing your life is to make it a lifestyle. If you want to lose twenty pounds, forget about the diets. Start eating healthy and exercising as a way of life. You'll lose your extra weight and gain a wonderful lifestyle. Repetition and consistency really go a long way!

Good luck to you and may you have a wonderful 2012. I already am. Also, what are your new year's resolutions? Mine is to find a new hobby. I might have a hidden talent, who knows?

love,
Cutie

Hi, Cutie!

I just moved and my new neighbor seems to "pop out" every time I'm in my backyard in the garden. She's nice, but now I'm hesitant to go into the garden as she startles me (she all of a sudden will pop up over the fence) and starts talking and talking and asks so many questions.

I understand she's curious as we are new in the neighborhood. I'd like to spend time, even if for only a few minutes just to enjoy the garden, sun, etc., without interruption. Also, I cannot just physically stand still for more than a few minutes without the need to sit down or kneel down (which I've mentioned to her), but she seems to want all my attention, and seems she has no regard for my time or comfort.

I feel like I'm being selfish or rude if I don't give her all my time. She must be waiting right by her back door, because the second I step outside, BAM
there she is!

I'd appreciate any advice. Thanks so much for sharing your time, wisdom and valuable experience in life!

Signed,
Talked Out

Dear Talked Out,

You have to set boundaries with your neighbor, otherwise she'll walk all over you. This is an important time to show her where you stand.

Be polite, but assertive. Tell her that you would love to catch up, but that you only have a few minutes to get to your gardening. Wish her a good day and tell her you will see her again. Eventually, if you keep doing this, she will get the picture--and if she does not, that is not something you should feel badly about.

Perhaps it will help to bring your music out in the garden with you. She is unlikely to keep talking if you are wearing headphones and not responding (and if you'd rather listen to the birds singing, she doesn't have to know your music is not playing).

Remember that this is your time. She does not have a right to take it from you, and you are correct to treat it as the precious commodity that it is.

Good luck to you.

Love,
Cutie

Hello, Cutie!

My husband and I have been married for two years and have been together almost ten years. I'm currently in graduate school and have another four years to finish.

However, by the time I finish I'll be 30. If we wait to have kids until then, that only gives us five years to have all of our children (since a woman's risk of passing along genetic abnormalities increases significantly after that point).

Currently, we feel that timeline is too pressured and we'd rather space our children out. What do you think, Cutie? Should we think about having children sooner (before I finish my doctorate) or wait and have all of our children spaced very close together?

signed,
Mama To Be

Dear Mama,

Children are a sacrifice of your time. If it were me, and I were your age, I would have the children before getting my degree. However, I understand that it is very difficult to complete that type of program.

It might help to consider the support you have in your life. This is a conversation with your husband. If you choose to have children before you finish your program, is he ready to step up and assume the extra responsibility? Communication and understanding are necessary if this is going to work. 

Also, anything can happen. It may take a little longer to complete your program. You might change your mind and decide to do something else. But it does not sound like you will change your mind about children. Start off by having one and the rest of your life will fall into place. 

You will love being a mother! I just know it!

Good luck to you. 

Love,
Cutie

Cutie,

Any advice on how to have a good Thanksgiving when your family is not getting along? We are a small family and my parents and sister (who also have strong personalities) are not speaking to each other, except when mandated to by myself or a counselor. Any advice would be helpful!

Best,
The Middle Man

P.S. You are an inspiration (and very fashionable)!

Dear Middle Man,

This is a very good question, and I am sorry not to have been able to answer it sooner.

We are used to thinking that the holiday season has to be spent with our family. It would be wonderful if we could all get along, but life gets in the way and we can't force people to behave the way we would like them to.  

Holidays are for spending time and celebrating life with the people you care about and, more importantly, the people who can treat each other with respect. Invite your loved ones--be they friends, relatives, neighbors, or partners--and if you have cause for concern, let them know what will and will not fly at the holiday table. Anyone who cannot get along is welcome to bow out of the celebration. 

It may feel a little strange at first to deviate from tradition, but allow yourself to enjoy the season with the people who want to be there. And who knows? The party poopers may realize how silly and selfish they are being and decide to come around so they can be there at the next holiday!

Good luck to you. 

Love,
Cutie  

Is there anything more encouraging than words of love and frustration from your very own grandma? If you don't have a grandma handy, feel free to borrow Cutie. In this installment of Your Internet Grandma, she is with you at the table with firm words advising you to get your act together. Do it for Cutie!

Dear Cutie,

I am in a fairly new relationship. I am religious and he is not. He always says that he respects my choice, but I feel like he does not. He and his brother are always making jokes about my faith, and I do not think they realize how much it hurts me when they do so.

I have always told him that I understand and respect his opinion, and have even stuck up for him with my family, who is also religious. So I guess it just hurts a little that he allows his brother to make the jokes, and for him to make them too.

I just do not know what to do in this situation. I do not know how to tell him how I feel. Do you have any advice?

Signed,
Hurt

Dear Hurt, 

This comes down to an issue of respect. He does not have to believe in your religion, but he should respect your choice to believe what you believe. 

Let him know where you stand on the issue. Try writing him a letter or talking to him when you are not in the heat of the moment. That will show him that this is really having an effect on your life. 

You are right to be concerned and he will have to change his ways if he wants to be a more considerate partner and to keep you in his life. 

Good luck to you. 

Love,
Cutie

Dear Cutie,

My question is that I am married for the second time and it's a blended family. We have only been married for two years now and I love my husband very much. But he has been mentioning that he is not happy and he mentions the "d" word often. I use to react to it, but I stopped reacting to it because he said it all the time. How should I handle this situation?

Also, it seems if I don't ask him too many questions in general, he is happier. He seems to get more angry when I ask lots of questions.

We also have separate checking accounts. What do you think about that? He pays most of the bills and I just handle my personal stuff along with my kids' personal stuff and the groceries.

Signed,
On Eggshells

Dear Eggshells,

First of all, I don't like the idea that he gets angry if you ask him too many questions. It is one thing to talk a subject to death, but it is entirely another to have an environment of open communication in a relationship. 

There is nothing wrong with separate checking accounts, except when the money situation transfers over to other aspects of the relationship. Just because one person pays the bills doesn't mean that he or she should have more power in the relationship. Harry and I always treated money, whether he made it, or I made it, as if it were our money. For the family. I'm sure this attitude is possible with separate checking accounts, but it probably takes a little more consideration. 

Threatening divorce to make your spouse anxious and quiet seems like an unhealthy path. I would recommend that you find a way to speak honestly with your husband about what you both need. Sit down with a trained professional if it's too difficult to do this when you are alone.

No one should feel like they are walking on egg shells. You are an independent, strong person and you deserve to be treated that way. It starts with yourself. 

Good luck to you. 

Love,
Cutie