Dear Cutie,

My boyfriend of the past five years is fifty years old and yet still grieves for his parents, who passed away twenty years ago. It's quite heart wrenching to me that his reason for not wanting to have kids is
that the loss of his parents is so great that he says he wishes he were never born. It frustrates me to constantly hear him talk about his parents as if they passed away only yesterday--then I feel bad for
feeling that way. I wish I could make it less painful for him, but I can't. Sometimes I think he should see a therapist for this complicated grief, but I know that no therapist in the world can bring
back his parents.

Cutie, how did you deal with the death of your children and then Harry's passing? I'm impressed by your positivity and adaptiveness.

signed,

Hurting for Him

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Dear Hurting,

This happened twenty years ago? It is not normal to still feel so devastated.

The way to deal with grief is to deal with it. It will not just go away. Your boyfriend must deal with his grief, and learn to let it go. Something has kept him from going through this natural process, and like a clogged pipe, he clearly needs some help to get things moving again.

It was incredibly difficult to lose my children and husband. But I wanted to go on living and I knew they would have wanted me to do so. So even when I was hurting, I forced myself get up, put my best face on, and live. It was hard, but it became easier with time. This is how grief works.

I am sure that your boyfriend's parents would be very sorry to know that he is not living his life to the fullest. But, it is not up to you to change how he feels. He has to make that decision for himself. If you love him, I would encourage him to get some help. A therapist cannot bring his parents back, but a good one can help him work through his pain and move on.

Good luck to you both.

Love,
Cutie

Dear Cutie,

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for nearly fourteen years. He is very high strung, serious and what the experts call a "type A" personality type. I on the other hand consider myself to be an easygoing, silly goofball. I love to laugh and have fun, though my personality has definitely changed since being involved with him.

We do really love each other and he takes very good care of me. He also has moments when he can be very charming and sweet.

My question is: how can I cope with his stuffiness without stifling my own personality? He causes me a lot of anxiety and the "walking on eggshells" feeling.

Signed,
Egg-foot

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Dear Egg-foot,

I think it is important for a person to be comfortable in their relationship and not feel tense when with their partner. We all want a love relationship, but you have to feel good in your home. It is not appropriate to feel that you are walking on eggshells, because that means you are doing all the giving so that he can behave however he wishes, even if you don't like it.

The question is: does he want to change to make you happier? If he is not prepared to give a little, that is your answer. If you haven't asked if he is willing to make some changes, that is what you should do, and probably with the help of a professional counselor. And if he isn't willing, then that is your answer.

Every couple has conflicts and the real test is what you do about them. So I am counting on you to stand up for yourself and tell your partner what you need.

Love,
Cutie

Dear Cutie,

I am a 18 and have been in a relationship going on 5yrs now with my boyfriend who is three years older than I am. I am happy and very much in love with him.

The only problem that we seems to get a lot of the time is that we are to young for our love to be as serious as it is. But the way that I look at the situation is that there are two people in love who think it is possible to grow together.

I am about to go to college and he has just begun his career in the military, but I feel as if it is possible despite what other may perceive.

I guess my question is that is it really that ridiculous to want to be in a long term relationship even if we are young? What advice would you give to a young couple?

Sincerely,

Just Wanna Believe

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Dear Just Wanna Believe, 

Of course it is not ridiculous to want to form a long term relationship as a young person. You sound like a very serious young lady and there is nothing wrong with the dream you have.

However it is not your youth that is going to make this relationship a challenge, but the fact that he will be so far away. Long distance relationships are simply difficult to maintain, and if you find that you are not able to keep yours alive, you should not blame yourself or stop looking for the love you seek in your life. 

You are both just getting started in your lives. And this is a chance for both of you to be independent and figure out what you are all about. You should cherish this opportunity. It is a wonderful time in your lives.

In a few years you may marry your boyfriend or you may both find that while you love each other you have grown apart. Neither one is the right answer unless it is the right answer for you. Be patient and know that I am wishing you all the best. 

Love,
Cutie 

Dear Cutie,

I have been married for 24 years and I am still working on it. How do you do it? Stay happy?

Signed,
Trying Hard

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Dear Trying Hard,

My best advice is living one day at a time and remembering all the little things that make you happy to be with your partner.

Relationships evolve. What was needed to make a happy marriage when we were newlyweds are not the same things that we look for twenty and thirty years into the relationship.

In a marriage, both partners continue to grow. The best thing you can offer is your unconditional support and acceptance, wrapped in love for the person who shares your life.

Love,
Cutie

Dear Cutie,

What is your advice for a 37-year-old single woman who keeps pining for the guys that don't pursue her, yet who attracts the ones that must be avoided (immature, controlling, selfish, lazy), and who has pretty much given up on the notion she will meet a guy that's right for her?

Signed,
Attracting Trouble

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Dear Attracting Trouble,

I'm sorry to hear that you keep running into Mr. Wrong. In my opinion, part of it has to do with bad luck, but you cannot discount the importance of taking care of yourself and being the best person you can be.

Think about the kind of life you want to have. What is standing in the way of you being able to achieve it? Talk to some friends, do some writing, try meditating, and once you have an idea, make some changes. I have always felt that people will respond to what you put out there. Show the world your strength, your independence, all the beautiful
things you have to offer.

You can't help the kind of people who are attracted to you, but you can choose not to give them the time of day if they show you that they are not mature enough to be a partner to you.

37 is not too old. Think about it from my perspective, I am ninety six years old - you have nearly sixty years to get to be my age! So, get yourself out there. Tell your friends that you are looking and that could result in some introductions. Open your heart and don't give up. Maybe you will not find love tomorrow, but there are many tomorrows still to come.

Good luck to you,

Love,
Cutie