Dear Cutie,
I’ve been married for two years to my high school sweetheart. He is a brilliant man and used to work, but is now finishing his Bachelor’s degree.
Unfortunately, now that he is in school, he does not do much. He is on his last class, which only takes up 8 hours per week plus homework. I, meanwhile, work full-time to support him. I also cook every meal, clean by myself, do the grocery shopping, pay bills, and manage everything about our household. I have asked him to at least learn to cook and pick up after himself but he does not. He does not even remember to feed the dog. He gets out of bed at noon and spends most of the day playing video games and reading. If I tell him to work on the book he said he wanted to write, he says that he has been “thinking very hard about it” and other such excuses. He has been saying that for months.
How do I talk to him about this? I don’t want to insult him, because then he will become defensive, and I don’t want to threaten divorce.
Signed,
Overworked
Dear Overworked,
At this point, you have expressed your concerns but he does not take you seriously. It sounds like you are working very hard to take care of yourself and your family, and he is not pulling his weight. You are newlyweds. This is an important time to build your foundation as a couple. Is this the life you want to live for the next fifty years?
If you don’t like it, tell him you are seriously concerned about the relationship. Let him know what you expect from him — but not in the middle of a fight. Sit him down and tell him how his behavior is hurting you and tell him you will not live this way. He has an opportunity to understand where you are coming from and to turn things around. If he will not do that, you need to, for both of your sakes.
If he is not ready to be a grown up in a marriage with you, then there is someone out there who will love you and treat you with the respect you deserve. And with time, he may grow up, but you cannot force him to if he does not wish it. Good luck to you both.
Love,
Cutie
Dear Cutie,
I’ve been married for two years to my high school sweetheart. He is a brilliant man and used to work, but is now finishing his Bachelor’s degree.
Unfortunately, now that he is in school, he does not do much. He is on his last class, which only takes up 8 hours per week plus homework. I, meanwhile, work full-time to support him. I also cook every meal, clean by myself, do the grocery shopping, pay bills, and manage everything about our household. I have asked him to at least learn to cook and pick up after himself but he does not. He does not even remember to feed the dog. He gets out of bed at noon and spends most of the day playing video games and reading. If I tell him to work on the book he said he wanted to write, he says that he has been “thinking very hard about it” and other such excuses. He has been saying that for months.
How do I talk to him about this? I don’t want to insult him, because then he will become defensive, and I don’t want to threaten divorce.
Signed,
Overworked
Dear Overworked,
At this point, you have expressed your concerns but he does not take you seriously. It sounds like you are working very hard to take care of yourself and your family, and he is not pulling his weight. You are newlyweds. This is an important time to build your foundation as a couple. Is this the life you want to live for the next fifty years?
If you don’t like it, tell him you are seriously concerned about the relationship. Let him know what you expect from him — but not in the middle of a fight. Sit him down and tell him how his behavior is hurting you and tell him you will not live this way. He has an opportunity to understand where you are coming from and to turn things around. If he will not do that, you need to, for both of your sakes.
If he is not ready to be a grown up in a marriage with you, then there is someone out there who will love you and treat you with the respect you deserve. And with time, he may grow up, but you cannot force him to if he does not wish it. Good luck to you both.
Love,
Cutie