Ask Grandma Anything: Having Second Thoughts

Dear Barbara,

I have just finished reading your lovely book. It was very positive, happy and I was in awe of your simple but beautiful love story.

I am a 34 year old lady who married the boy next door nearly a year ago. I love him to bits. He is kind, gentle, warm and accepting. 

But sometimes I am unsure of my feelings for him. I don’t know why I get like this. I have struggled with being kind and loving to myself and have had a lots of problems growing up. Addiction to alcohol, anger issues. But I can say today I am six years sober and learning to deal with my anger on a daily basis. Breathe and watch my big mouth! 

I guess I just find love not as simple as what it should be? I love cuddling my husband and I feel a lot of warmth and gentleness in our relationship. But what I am struggling to be honest with is that I don’t have that passion and huge physical attraction you talked about in your book. I hate to say it, but sometimes I don’t want to kiss him or for him to touch me. That isn’t right, is it? 

I know you can’t give me the answers and I know that they will come eventually or maybe not. Can you have it all? It seems like you and Harry did. 

I haven’t really admitted my feelings to anyone, not even my old therapist. 
Anyway I really enjoyed your story. You have a lot of wisdom. I wish you many more happy years on this exciting planet and shana tova. 

Signed,
Confused Bride

—

Dear Confused Bride, 

I am so glad that you took the time to write to me. I want to acknowledge the courage that you showed by articulating your feelings. It can be difficult to speak the truth, especially when it conflicts with ideas that we have for ourselves and that others have for us. 

I want to remind you that you are resilient. By your own account you have found freedom from addiction and anger. My advice to you is to use the determination that carried you through those challenges in this situation with your marriage. 

The most important thing is to be honest with yourself. That is the first step in processing any kind of challenge. Create a space where you have the freedom to explore your feelings, thoughts, frustrations, everything. That might be in a journal or with a therapist again. You will know what can provide that environment for you. Just start working and talking through all of this, honestly, with an eye to understanding yourself. 

I think that is the best move, much better than making any kind of rash, significant change. Give yourself a chance to mull things over. On this side of all that, it is hard to say what will come of the process. 

In my opinion, such self-reflection is the best thing that you can do for your relationship. When you have a better sense of where you are coming from and where you want to go, you can approach your husband from a position of strength. It is clear from your message that care for your husband, even if you are questioning certain aspects of your relationship. Show him the respect that he deserves as you go down this road and I promise you it will go a long way. 

I would love to give you the magic answer, but you already understand that this needs to come from within. And when it does, you will have earned the outcome for yourself. 

I wish you all good things and a happy life. 

Love, 
Cutie

Dear Barbara,

I have just finished reading your lovely book. It was very positive, happy and I was in awe of your simple but beautiful love story.

I am a 34 year old lady who married the boy next door nearly a year ago. I love him to bits. He is kind, gentle, warm and accepting. 

But sometimes I am unsure of my feelings for him. I don’t know why I get like this. I have struggled with being kind and loving to myself and have had a lots of problems growing up. Addiction to alcohol, anger issues. But I can say today I am six years sober and learning to deal with my anger on a daily basis. Breathe and watch my big mouth! 

I guess I just find love not as simple as what it should be? I love cuddling my husband and I feel a lot of warmth and gentleness in our relationship. But what I am struggling to be honest with is that I don’t have that passion and huge physical attraction you talked about in your book. I hate to say it, but sometimes I don’t want to kiss him or for him to touch me. That isn’t right, is it? 

I know you can’t give me the answers and I know that they will come eventually or maybe not. Can you have it all? It seems like you and Harry did. 

I haven’t really admitted my feelings to anyone, not even my old therapist. 
Anyway I really enjoyed your story. You have a lot of wisdom. I wish you many more happy years on this exciting planet and shana tova. 

Signed,
Confused Bride

—

Dear Confused Bride, 

I am so glad that you took the time to write to me. I want to acknowledge the courage that you showed by articulating your feelings. It can be difficult to speak the truth, especially when it conflicts with ideas that we have for ourselves and that others have for us. 

I want to remind you that you are resilient. By your own account you have found freedom from addiction and anger. My advice to you is to use the determination that carried you through those challenges in this situation with your marriage. 

The most important thing is to be honest with yourself. That is the first step in processing any kind of challenge. Create a space where you have the freedom to explore your feelings, thoughts, frustrations, everything. That might be in a journal or with a therapist again. You will know what can provide that environment for you. Just start working and talking through all of this, honestly, with an eye to understanding yourself. 

I think that is the best move, much better than making any kind of rash, significant change. Give yourself a chance to mull things over. On this side of all that, it is hard to say what will come of the process. 

In my opinion, such self-reflection is the best thing that you can do for your relationship. When you have a better sense of where you are coming from and where you want to go, you can approach your husband from a position of strength. It is clear from your message that care for your husband, even if you are questioning certain aspects of your relationship. Show him the respect that he deserves as you go down this road and I promise you it will go a long way. 

I would love to give you the magic answer, but you already understand that this needs to come from within. And when it does, you will have earned the outcome for yourself. 

I wish you all good things and a happy life. 

Love, 
Cutie