Dear Cutie,
I’ve been married almost 18 years and have six wonderful children, all home, 6-19, all very well mannered and make me proud daily. The problem is on the outside we look great, but on the inside I’m dying. I want out sooo bad but I don’t know what to do. Do I just sleep in a separate bedroom until the baby grows up or do I get out now? I don’t love him, I don’t even like him. We barely talk unless its about the kids or his or my comings and goings. I miss being in love!
We were separated for almost a year (last year) and I made the biggest mistake I think by letting him back into the house. Nothing has changed. If anything, it’s gotten worse for me. I want to move out, but I have no job, plus the kids need me. Having him move out will be tough because he said last time we could barely afford it!
But please know he doesn’t abuse me — it’s just I feel silenced. He has said what I say doesn’t matter, ever! That it’s trivial to him. It scares me that my kids are seeing him act like this and learning this behavior. I have three girls and three boys, all of them very impressionable
So my question to you is: do we move into separate bedrooms and just deal with it and just exist until the baby grows up, or do we get out while we still can and have a chance at finding real love elsewhere?
Miss Cutie, if it weren’t for my kids I’d be gone, so please help me.
Signed,
Silenced
Dear Silenced,
It sounds like you are completely overwhelmed and in a unhappy situation. Changing your life drastically might help, but people usually say that their problems follow them around. I think that you need to take some time to learn how you can take care of yourself.Â
If you want things to get better in your life, you are going to need support. Have you considered going to therapy and talking about your problems? If the two of you can go that would be best, but even if he will not, you can get some benefit.
There are ways you can make small changes in your life that can have a great impact. And after you’ve had some time to really assess your situation, you can come up with a plan that feels right. Maybe you will stay with this guy if things improve. Or maybe you just are not interested. That is a big decision, but it doesn’t have to be rushed.Â
Go spend some time with your girlfriends. Be honest about your feelings and lean on them. Reach out to new friends. Join a community church. There are many things you can do to improve your situation and it will be come clear what is the right course of action.Â
It is great that you reached out and shared some feelings. They may not feel wonderful but they are putting you in a good direction to turn your life around.Â
Finally, I disagree that you are not being abused. Being told that what you think and say is trivial is emotional abuse. You have a right to demand something better than this from somebody who is supposed to love you. So in therapy, you can learn about what is normal and what is abnormal, and what you are willing to accept in your home.
Take care of yourself and good luck.Â
Love,
Cutie
Dear Cutie,
I’ve been married almost 18 years and have six wonderful children, all home, 6-19, all very well mannered and make me proud daily. The problem is on the outside we look great, but on the inside I’m dying. I want out sooo bad but I don’t know what to do. Do I just sleep in a separate bedroom until the baby grows up or do I get out now? I don’t love him, I don’t even like him. We barely talk unless its about the kids or his or my comings and goings. I miss being in love!
We were separated for almost a year (last year) and I made the biggest mistake I think by letting him back into the house. Nothing has changed. If anything, it’s gotten worse for me. I want to move out, but I have no job, plus the kids need me. Having him move out will be tough because he said last time we could barely afford it!
But please know he doesn’t abuse me — it’s just I feel silenced. He has said what I say doesn’t matter, ever! That it’s trivial to him. It scares me that my kids are seeing him act like this and learning this behavior. I have three girls and three boys, all of them very impressionable
So my question to you is: do we move into separate bedrooms and just deal with it and just exist until the baby grows up, or do we get out while we still can and have a chance at finding real love elsewhere?
Miss Cutie, if it weren’t for my kids I’d be gone, so please help me.
Signed,
Silenced
Dear Silenced,
It sounds like you are completely overwhelmed and in a unhappy situation. Changing your life drastically might help, but people usually say that their problems follow them around. I think that you need to take some time to learn how you can take care of yourself.Â
If you want things to get better in your life, you are going to need support. Have you considered going to therapy and talking about your problems? If the two of you can go that would be best, but even if he will not, you can get some benefit.
There are ways you can make small changes in your life that can have a great impact. And after you’ve had some time to really assess your situation, you can come up with a plan that feels right. Maybe you will stay with this guy if things improve. Or maybe you just are not interested. That is a big decision, but it doesn’t have to be rushed.Â
Go spend some time with your girlfriends. Be honest about your feelings and lean on them. Reach out to new friends. Join a community church. There are many things you can do to improve your situation and it will be come clear what is the right course of action.Â
It is great that you reached out and shared some feelings. They may not feel wonderful but they are putting you in a good direction to turn your life around.Â
Finally, I disagree that you are not being abused. Being told that what you think and say is trivial is emotional abuse. You have a right to demand something better than this from somebody who is supposed to love you. So in therapy, you can learn about what is normal and what is abnormal, and what you are willing to accept in your home.
Take care of yourself and good luck.Â
Love,
Cutie