Dear Cutie,
I’m so confused. I’ve been married for three years to a man with Asperger’s, which is on the autism spectrum. He is intelligent, loyal and childishly playful. We have had some rough times lately, especially financially. I recently started graduate school, and I realize now that I want to work abroad as a medical professional. This new career would be an escape from this boring, stressful, material life of worrying about bills. My husband is happy, but I have serious wanderlust.
I could deal with this if I weren’t feeling bored with my husband too. I go out dancing and see my friends and he stays at home. My friends ask me why he’s not with me and I have no good answers. He’s not keeping up his appearance. He would make a great father but he’s just not interested.
I also have a crush. We’re just friends, but I can’t stop thinking about how much I want a do-over. His goals align with mine, and I have so much chemistry with him and none with my husband.
Will this ever pass?
Signed,
So Confused
—
Dear So Confused,
I’m so sorry to hear of your troubles, especially so soon into your relationship. It sounds like your husband has many wonderful qualities, but the fact remains that he may not be the one for you. That doesn’t mean that either of you is a bad person. Sometimes things just don’t work out, and there is no shame in that.
The hardest thing can be to think about a change. Change is scary — it can effect all aspects of your life. This is why I am suggesting that you start the process of changing your life one small step at a time.
The first thing you can do is to get some perspective. Take some time to yourself to really evaluate your situation. Go to a coffee shop, go to the movies, take yourself to dinner — do something to give yourself some space and then, without judgment, consider your situation from all the different angles. Your instincts will tell you something. It sounds like they are already telling you something by motivating you to go abroad. That may be what you end up doing, but before you make any significant decisions, I want you to slow down and think about what you really want and what it is you can do to get yourself there. Make a list.
Lean on friends and family if you have them. Talk it out, cry. Get mad. All of this is okay. You might decide to end your marriage. You may decide to make some changes try to improve your relationship with your husband. The important thing is that you don’t have to do anything today, and even through your options may seem limited, you really have unlimited options. You have some hard work ahead of you, but I think if you take care of yourself along the way, you can end up in a much better situation. You can be happy and you deserve it.
I think it is very brave of you to reach out. Good luck to you and please keep me posted.
Love,
Cutie
Dear Cutie,
I’m so confused. I’ve been married for three years to a man with Asperger’s, which is on the autism spectrum. He is intelligent, loyal and childishly playful. We have had some rough times lately, especially financially. I recently started graduate school, and I realize now that I want to work abroad as a medical professional. This new career would be an escape from this boring, stressful, material life of worrying about bills. My husband is happy, but I have serious wanderlust.
I could deal with this if I weren’t feeling bored with my husband too. I go out dancing and see my friends and he stays at home. My friends ask me why he’s not with me and I have no good answers. He’s not keeping up his appearance. He would make a great father but he’s just not interested.
I also have a crush. We’re just friends, but I can’t stop thinking about how much I want a do-over. His goals align with mine, and I have so much chemistry with him and none with my husband.
Will this ever pass?
Signed,
So Confused
—
Dear So Confused,
I’m so sorry to hear of your troubles, especially so soon into your relationship. It sounds like your husband has many wonderful qualities, but the fact remains that he may not be the one for you. That doesn’t mean that either of you is a bad person. Sometimes things just don’t work out, and there is no shame in that.
The hardest thing can be to think about a change. Change is scary — it can effect all aspects of your life. This is why I am suggesting that you start the process of changing your life one small step at a time.
The first thing you can do is to get some perspective. Take some time to yourself to really evaluate your situation. Go to a coffee shop, go to the movies, take yourself to dinner — do something to give yourself some space and then, without judgment, consider your situation from all the different angles. Your instincts will tell you something. It sounds like they are already telling you something by motivating you to go abroad. That may be what you end up doing, but before you make any significant decisions, I want you to slow down and think about what you really want and what it is you can do to get yourself there. Make a list.
Lean on friends and family if you have them. Talk it out, cry. Get mad. All of this is okay. You might decide to end your marriage. You may decide to make some changes try to improve your relationship with your husband. The important thing is that you don’t have to do anything today, and even through your options may seem limited, you really have unlimited options. You have some hard work ahead of you, but I think if you take care of yourself along the way, you can end up in a much better situation. You can be happy and you deserve it.
I think it is very brave of you to reach out. Good luck to you and please keep me posted.
Love,
Cutie