Author: ogswp_mzygpq

Dear Cutie,

I have had a volatile relationship with my mother for as long as I can remember. She constantly tells me I am fat, harps on my weight and looks, and makes quips at my expense at family functions.  

I cannot talk directly to my mother about our problems; she laughs in my face and calls me “oversensitive”.

Recently I discovered that my mother may have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). I am not sure if you are familiar with this disorder, but from what I have read, it cannot be fixed because the person does not think anything is wrong with them (YOU are the problem).

I am tired of feeling like everything is my fault. I say “sorry” all the time, even when I didn’t do anything. I want  to go therapy, but I have no idea how I would even be able to afford it.  I cannot not move out yet; I am still saving money to do so. She is my worst nightmare. What do I do?

Signed,
Abandoned Daughter

Dear Abandoned Daughter,

Are you familiar with Al-anon? This is a wonderful, free program for learning how to cope with the difficult people in your life, even if they are not alcoholics. If you have never been to a meeting, I suggest you check it out. If it is not for you, then no harm done. 

In general, it is very difficult to deal with people who don’t know where they end and where you begin. You are your mother’s daughter, but you are also an independent person. You deserve to be treated with respect. And boundaries really are the way to go. You have to be firm when you let people know how you want to be treated, and what the consequences will be if they do not listen. If you join Al-anon, it will teach you how to react to someone who lacks proper boundaries, and teach you how to set your own. You can also pick up useful skills by reading self-help books.

You are going in the right direction by asking for help. Please know that you do not have to be held hostage emotionally by your mother any more. Good luck to you! 

Love,
Cutie

Continue reading “Ask Grandma Anything: My Mom is A Mean Narcissist”

Dear Grandma Cutie,  

Growing up I’ve lived far away from my grandma, but there’s a certain issue — a big issue — that I really need to talk to her about. If I did, my dad is going to be very disappointed in me and if I didn’t that will lead to even worse consequences — I’m talking prison!
 
Please tell me what to do, even though I’m shy to ask grandma. Or should I do what every 14-year old teen does, sit down and watch the problem spin and wind it itself up.

Signed,
Feeling Alone

Dear Feeling Alone,

This sounds like a very serious situation. If you are worried about talking to your grandma, maybe you can talk to another adult in your life, like a family friend or a counselor at school. There are also telephone help lines where you can ask for help without identifying yourself.

Your instincts are probably right. And it is a good idea to get help when you feel you need it. 

There is a time and a place for sitting back and letting a situation work itself out. But usually we know when it is time to ask someone older and wiser for their perspective. I know you will do the right thing, and that your problem will get smaller when you share it.

Good luck to you. 

Love,
Cutie
Continue reading “Ask Grandma Anything: Scared To Talk To Grandma”

Bob’s Coffee and Donuts is a Los Angeles staple. If you are in the mood for an apple fitter, then you must make your way over to the Farmers Market. Nothing else will do!

Have you been to the Farmers Market on Fairfax? It’s famous. I started taking my loved ones to the Farmers Market soon after it opened in the 1930s, and now my loved ones take me there.

And everyone loves eating at the Farmers Market because each person can get whatever he or she wants. French crepes, Chinese noodles, Mexican tacos or American food at Dupar’s.

But the one thing that everyone always agrees on is apple fritters from Bob’s. Even if  you are full from dinner you have to try them, and you have to take a few home for the next day. 

An apple fritter is like a donut, but more sophisticated. Donuts don’t have fruit in them, but apple fritters do. Don’t be fooled by their weird and lumpy shape: apple fritters are wonderful. But they are not an everyday kind of thing. In fact, I call them do-nots instead of donuts. But if you are moderate like me on an everyday basis, then you can afford to indulge once in a while. So, enjoy your apple fritter, and the lively atmosphere of the original Los Angeles Farmers Market!
*
See this review and Cutie’s other dining adventures at Yelp:
https://barbaracooper.yelp.com
Continue reading “Restaurant Review: Bob’s Coffee & Donuts in Farmers Market”

Dear Grandma Cutie,

I saw you on YouTube and I had a thought of what I could ask you. I understand that you have a lot of questions to answer, however I need your help nevertheless. Like every young woman, I am developing a crush on a young man. How can I tell him this or express the way I feel in a “normal” way?

Signed,
Nervously Fond

Dear Nervously Fond,

A crush is so exciting! I’m so glad you asked for my advice. 

First of all, there is no such thing as “normal.” But there is natural, and natural may be different for each one of us. Think of how you can show him how you feel in a way that feels right for you. Don’t worry about grand gestures. Real life isn’t like the movies, nor should it be. 

Follow your heart and you won’t go wrong. 

Love,
Cutie

Continue reading “Ask Grandma Anything: Once You Have A Crush, Then What?”

Dear Grandma Cutie,

I’ve been living with my roommate for over three months. I moved in with her because it was too costly for me to live on my own. However, she’s highly disorganized, doesn’t follow through on her promises, doesn’t really take good care of herself, and recently, revealed to me that she’s considering filing for bankruptcy just so she can go back to school to get her masters (she’s in her early 40s, by the way).

I chip in with paying her $300 in rent, buying food, taking care of her cats, and cleaning her cluttered apartment as best as I can.

I am someone who has a clear vision for my future. I am eager to study web design so I can move full steam ahead to be a talent manager. Yet, my roommate pesters me to consider doing jobs that have nothing to do with my pursuits and I feel like I am just there to pick up her financial slack.

How can I tell her I need to move on and find another roommate?

Signed,
Reluctant Roommate

Dear Reluctant Roommate, 

It sounds like you have already decided that you need to move on.

The best way to handle these situations is to be clear and direct with the other person. Start packing! First make your arrangements so that you know you have a better place to live. When you are ready, treat the situation like you are pulling off a bandaid. Let her know that you have decided to explore other living options. You do not have to get into details about why you are leaving. That is none of her businesses. Be firm, otherwise she may think that she can talk you out of it. 

It is a shame that this situation did not work out, but on the bright side you have learned about what you need to be happy in your living situation. And if you are lucky, you can learn from her behavior so that you don’t have to treat others this way.

Good luck to you. I have a feeling you will end up in a happy home soon enough. 

Love,
Cutie

Continue reading “Ask Grandma Anything: Dumping a Roommate”

Hello Cutie,

I just wanted to ask you what you think I should do. I am 14 and have already been through so much, like my parents divorcing and fighting constantly, my dad hating me because of my step mom, who he chose over me, the stress of being in my first year of high school and two advanced classes, and my boyfriend, who is currently struggling with schizophrenia. It is so bad he almost broke up with me to protect me, because he thinks he will hurt me.

I am actually cutting myself, even though I know it is not right. I just don’t have any other way to relieve all my stress. I have more than once considered suicide, but I don’t have the guts to do that. What should I do?

Signed
Lonely And Scared

Dear Lonely and Scared,

Good for you for reaching out. That is one of the most important things you can do to help yourself. It sounds like you are a smart girl who cares a great deal about the people in your life. And because these people are not feeling good about themselves, you are suffering. You cannot carry the weight of every other person’s problems.

Now it is time for you to put yourself first. Go to the bathroom and wash your face. Look in a mirror and see what a pretty girl is left there. Next, I want you to see if there is anyone you can talk to. Friends are good, but a counselor or a therapist is even better. Your goal is to find a healthy way to deal with your stress, and to lessen the stress you are feeling. And this is nothing to be embarrassed about. We all could use a little extra help from time to time.

Also, it sounds like you really care about your boyfriend, but you have to remember that you come first. You cannot really be there for others until you are there for yourself.

Good luck to you.

Love,
Cutie

Continue reading “Ask Grandma Anything: At 14, She’s Overwhelmed”

Dear Cutie,

I have been seeing a married man for two years now. He says he is getting a divorce. He had no steady job until almost a year ago, and is trying to refinance his house and get the divorce final before we make any plans. His wife is still living with him, but goes away on trips frequently. He still cares about her a lot, I can tell, but he says he loves me and wants a life with me. I feel stupid waiting for him, but he treats me really well. He has a green card (not a US citizen) and says he feels obligated because his wife supported him until he could get a job.

I really love him, but feel short changed waiting for him. What do you think, Cutie?

signed,
Patience

Dear Patience,

Oh dear, get rid of him. He is bad news.

I’m confused by your statement that he treats you very well. In my opinion, he is asking you to be too patient and too understanding. These qualities are important and crucial to a good relationship, but in moderation. You have done well by trying to accept his situation, but I think your instincts are right about feeling short changed.

It sounds like he does care for you, but he cares for his wife and for his easy life, too. He says the right things and tugs on your heartstrings, but his actions show that he is unwilling to meet you halfway.

A good partner is someone who can stand on his own two feet. And a dependable, steady partner is what you deserve. Follow your instincts and stop waiting for him.

Start asking yourself the hard questions like: why are you putting up with this? And what are you going to do to make sure that your next partner doesn’t treat you this way? Spend time with your girlfriends, be strong and good luck to you. I see good things in your future.

Love,
Cutie

Continue reading “Ask Grandma Anything: He Says He’ll Get Divorced Soon”

Dear Friends,

We are happy to accept the new year and I want everybody to enjoy what the future has in store for us.

I see nothing but good news, health, happiness, and prosperity. Take care of your families and enjoy what life has given you. Look around: you are very, very lucky. The new year is a good time for reflection and for looking forward.

I’m one of those people who likes to make new year’s resolutions. And over the years I have learned that the best way to succeed in changing your life is to make it a lifestyle. If you want to lose twenty pounds, forget about the diets. Start eating healthy and exercising as a way of life. You’ll lose your extra weight and gain a wonderful lifestyle. Repetition and consistency really go a long way!

Good luck to you and may you have a wonderful 2012. I already am. Also, what are your new year’s resolutions? Mine is to find a new hobby. I might have a hidden talent, who knows?

love,
Cutie

Continue reading “A New Years Message for 2012”

Hi, Cutie!

I just moved and my new neighbor seems to “pop out” every time I’m in my backyard in the garden. She’s nice, but now I’m hesitant to go into the garden as she startles me (she all of a sudden will pop up over the fence) and starts talking and talking and asks so many questions.

I understand she’s curious as we are new in the neighborhood. I’d like to spend time, even if for only a few minutes just to enjoy the garden, sun, etc., without interruption. Also, I cannot just physically stand still for more than a few minutes without the need to sit down or kneel down (which I’ve mentioned to her), but she seems to want all my attention, and seems she has no regard for my time or comfort.

I feel like I’m being selfish or rude if I don’t give her all my time. She must be waiting right by her back door, because the second I step outside, BAM
there she is!

I’d appreciate any advice. Thanks so much for sharing your time, wisdom and valuable experience in life!

Signed,
Talked Out

Dear Talked Out,

You have to set boundaries with your neighbor, otherwise she’ll walk all over you. This is an important time to show her where you stand.

Be polite, but assertive. Tell her that you would love to catch up, but that you only have a few minutes to get to your gardening. Wish her a good day and tell her you will see her again. Eventually, if you keep doing this, she will get the picture–and if she does not, that is not something you should feel badly about.

Perhaps it will help to bring your music out in the garden with you. She is unlikely to keep talking if you are wearing headphones and not responding (and if you’d rather listen to the birds singing, she doesn’t have to know your music is not playing).

Remember that this is your time. She does not have a right to take it from you, and you are correct to treat it as the precious commodity that it is.

Good luck to you.

Love,
Cutie
Continue reading “Ask Grandma Anything: Pesky Neighbor Policy?”

Hello, Cutie!

My husband and I have been married for two years and have been together almost ten years. I’m currently in graduate school and have another four years to finish.

However, by the time I finish I’ll be 30. If we wait to have kids until then, that only gives us five years to have all of our children (since a woman’s risk of passing along genetic abnormalities increases significantly after that point).

Currently, we feel that timeline is too pressured and we’d rather space our children out. What do you think, Cutie? Should we think about having children sooner (before I finish my doctorate) or wait and have all of our children spaced very close together?

signed,
Mama To Be

Dear Mama,

Children are a sacrifice of your time. If it were me, and I were your age, I would have the children before getting my degree. However, I understand that it is very difficult to complete that type of program.

It might help to consider the support you have in your life. This is a conversation with your husband. If you choose to have children before you finish your program, is he ready to step up and assume the extra responsibility? Communication and understanding are necessary if this is going to work. 

Also, anything can happen. It may take a little longer to complete your program. You might change your mind and decide to do something else. But it does not sound like you will change your mind about children. Start off by having one and the rest of your life will fall into place. 

You will love being a mother! I just know it!

Good luck to you. 

Love,
Cutie
Continue reading “Ask Grandma Anything: Scheduling For Children”